I want to fight her battles for her.
It’s not a good thing– that statement is a confession.
It’s no secret that we have had a lot thrown at us in the last 5 weeks. Some of these events are truly out of our control, some of them are the result of our decisions, and all of them have given us a better understanding of what real marriage is like.
I’ve been blessed, if the truth be told. For my first thirty years, I did not see much suffering or real fear for the future. I did stupid things and I rebelled against what I knew was true, but Providence saw me through it all unscathed. In the last 4 years I’ve had to deal with all sorts of things I never had to before. The sickness and death of both my grandfathers, professional doubts and struggle, and a return to faith. I’ve learned so much in that time that prepared me for this marriage. But not enough.
I don’t like to see Lindsey in pain, or in conflict, or under stress. I just flat-out don’t like it. So my response is to try to fix it. When she is struggling, I want to clean it up for her. When she is hurting, I want to heal her. When she is treated unfairly I want to seek justice. But I have found out, most of the time I cannot actually do any of that.
It’s not that I can’t try, because I have. I can take care of her, I can see that her needs are met, and I can help her in dealing with anything. But I can’t fight her battles. I can’t wage war every time she is wronged. I can’t address professional slights. I can’t rush to her side and defend her every time. I simply cannot keep her from disappointment or harm for the rest of her life.
But I try protect her as best I can. I can listen. I can support her. I can pray with her and for her.
It’s been a tough time learning that lesson. But it’s drawing me to an important conclusion: I’ve learned to trust God with the other things in my life, and this should not be any different. Right now, that’s just not the easiest thing to do.