A learning day

We’re learning how to communicate. Today was a learning day. I hesitate to post right now because it is still all so fresh, but it’s almost midnight, there’s no post for today, and Brian has posted the last few days. So, here I am.

I’m really frustrating my husband. (Don’t worry– he’s really frustrating me, too, but we’ll get to that later.) Brian can speak loudly at times– he’s passionate and his volume fluctuates as he speaks. We discussed today that sometimes I take this personally and go silent because I don’t want a fight and that’s what raised voices mean to me. I also back down on decisions and continually utter the phrase “I don’t care” which is incomprehensible to my husband who literally has an opinion on everything. I need to take his yes as yes and his no and no. I also need to not back down when he doesn’t immediately get on board with my desired weekend activities. I have a lot of work to do. For the sake of getting this posted by midnight, let’s only address some of that tonight.

I don’t want to tell my husband what to do. I learned in our pre-marital counseling that I am commanded to respect my husband. This actually means something different to him than I had imagined it meant. I plan to post on it further in the pre-marital counseling series because it was so shocking to me, and now it turns out to be a huge struggle for me.

I thought I was trying to respect my husband. I was trying not to tell him what to do, be his boss, or yell at him. But apparently what I thought of as “respecting him” is frustrating the daylights out of him. Great. I guess I just don’t understand what the Bible means by “respect.” Did I take it too far? Am I trying in the wrong areas? Couldn’t Scripture be more explicit– like maybe a follow up “how to show him that respect” section”?

I can step up and share more of my opinions, but I still don’t see a point in making up an opinion in a case where I have none at all. And I’m not going to tell my husband what to do on a Saturday– it’s his Saturday, too. He cringed when I said “city-wide garage sale” and I don’t want to be responsible for anyone having a bad day (except my students– I’ll take FULL responsibility for that!).

I know the answer tonight is to pray, commit these things to God, and then continue to work hard to communicate well with Brian. I get that and I will do those things. But after talking these things to death, I still can’t see the solution through my drooping eyelids. I know God does. This is one of those times I wish He used more direct forms of communication… like a text message.




5 thoughts on “A learning day

  1. I love your honesty Lindsey, and as frustrating as it is now, someday you’ll look back on this post and smile. My husband and I are finally finishing the first year bumps, and I’ve already learned that these frustrations are what the Lord uses to meld you together. I’ve also learned, that for us, respect doesn’t mean I don’t challenge his opinions sometimes – it means that in the end, I trust he’s doing the best job to take care of me while I’m taking the best job to take care of him, whatever decision is made.

    • Thank you for this! I love the insight and wisdom of those who have gone before us. It’s invaluable. Keep it coming!

      It’s funny that even in the light of day, last night’s frustrations seem so much smaller. We talked again this morning and I already feel closer to him and I’m even excited to work on myself (last night I just felt like a failure). When I read that I was to “respect” my husband, it was so strange to me because I thought that I already was. And now my efforts to deliberately and intentionally “respect” him have led us down the wrong path. This marriage is still a work in progress and thankfully our God won’t give up on us 🙂

  2. In reading your story, I smile. You sound a lot like me when I first go married to my husband. I would like to make a suggestion, and hopefully your marrage does not have to go the route that my marriage did.

    After being married for nine years and divorced for five, I discovered a book that help put me on the right track to learn how to love agian. As I was reading the book, I thought to myself, “Where were you five years ago?”. It help me to realize that my husband and I spoke two totally different langages when it came to love. It took another five years for me to learn how to love myself again to be ready to come back to the relationship but we are now happily remarried for a year and a half now. I am a lot hapier now than I have been in a long time. We both have a different form of respect for each other now that we didn’t seem to have before. We both are older and wiser now, and LOVE, has taken on a whole new meaning.

    The book that I am speaking about is called;
    “The 5 Love Langurages” -by Gary Chapman

    I hope that you have time to read this book. It would help you to undrstand things in a whole new way.

    May God be with you both.


    • We’ve both read the book in the past and it was a small part of our pre-marital counseling, but thank you for the suggestion. It is really insightful to know how one gives and receives love.

  3. Pingback: I don’t have to love my husband? | Our First Year

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