The forever hasn’t sunk in yet

Brian asked me on Sunday whether the whole married thing had sunk in yet. A week or two ago, the answer would have been no. I was still having these bizarre moments of marriage realization. I’m married, I would think. That’s crazy.

But now the state of being married seems to have fully sunk in and I’m very aware that I am an old married lady 😉 So, when Brian asked me that, I replied, “Yep.”

He stood there and looked at me for a second, confused. Hmm. This seems like one of those times where we’re not speaking the same language. Time to ask questions, I thought.

We chatted for a moment and it turned out that Brian meant something a little different than the state of marriage– he meant the extent of the marriage, the life-long commitment. We are bound together for the rest of our human lives. He wanted to know if the sense of  “forever” had sunk in yet.

I told him that it had not and that I wasn’t sure that it would for quite some time. But now that we’re a day out and I’ve had time to mull it over a bit more, I’m not sure if the “forever” really does sink in. I’m not certain that it ever can. And I know that seemingly short periods can feel like forever, but that’s just a hyperbolic simile.

The truth of the matter is, only one of us is with the other “forever.” One of us will have some portion of life without the other when they are gone. Brian is pretty sure that this will be me, and though we joke about it, I already dread it. I don’t want a day without him.

I think that instead of wondering about forever, I’ll just focus on the now. Right now I’m married to an amazing man who builds me up and supports me, challenges and strengthens me. Right now I’m learning to be the best wife and partner that I can be to him.

And maybe someday in the far distant future I’ll look back on the right now and think that it seemed forever ago– and maybe at the point the forever will sink in.

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