We woke up early for the marriage conference. I had had disturbing dreams and told Brian as we were both leaning over the bathroom counter surveying ourselves in the mirror. I dreamt last night that someone was trying to sabotage my marriage. It isn’t the first time I’ve dreamt this.

Brian was glad I told him. He is hoping that in talking about them and debunking their lies, that the dreams will go away. Me, too.

After the conference, we picked up lunch on the way home, ate, and fell into a shared afternoon nap. As I snoozed in the arms of my husband, I awoke with a start. My dark dream had ended with a man shooting Brian. I screamed out his name. He was alive and well and beside me.

Again, I spoke with Brian about this.

I have very realistic dreams. Always have. When I was a child, I would run into my parents’ room screaming “buggies! buggies!” As an older child, I was finally able to articulate the terrifying dream where so many giant bugs would fill the outside of my window that it would begin to pulsate. And I remember my childhood nightly prayer that God would 1. keep my house from burning down, and 2. that I wouldn’t dream of the Jabberwocky. Thanks, Lewis Carroll.

When I told Brian this morning about my dream, he asked me if I’d been praying about it. No. Since I woke up, I’d been fretting about it. Praying would have made much more sense, but it hadn’t occurred to me. Stupid, sinful brain.

I can’t do anything about my subconscious. It’s not a limb I can tie down or a mouth I can duct tape over. The only way to get any help help with it is to ask Him. So, this afternoon when I dreamt Brian had been shot, after waking up and screaming for him, I talked to God.

I don’t think that consciously I’m walking around afraid that Brian will suddenly be taken from me. But I guess subconsciously, I do have fears. Now that God has given him to me, I’m afraid that he’ll be taken away.

When asked a couple weeks ago about what God has been teaching me, the phrase “His Sovereignty” quickly flew from my lips. I am learning that everything happens according to His plan, His timing, according to His Will and for His Glory. It’s difficult to wrap my brain around sometimes, but if I don’t accept it, I limit my God.

So… I can’t let these fears take over. I will have Brian for as long as God has decided I’ll have Brian. It’s difficult to wrap my brain around, but I’m trying and I’m asking God to give me peace.

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