I didn’t have work today. It’s not an actual holiday, but we had it off. So, I got some extra time with my husband and a sweet lunch with a new friend.

I spent much of the afternoon doing my Women’s Development homework and bible study. I didn’t finish– I’m stuck in the chapter on the doctrine of sin. It’s some heavy stuff. Brian is upstairs supposedly doing his homework, but I have the sneaking suspicion he’s watching something on his iPad…

Women’s Development has been time-consuming, but I think I’m starting to learn and beginning to grow. We had this activity on Wednesday that I can’t stop thinking about. We walked into a candlelit room with music playing and sat in our groups on the floor. We went through several activities as a woman narrated us through them. There were things we held in our hands, things we wrote down, and things we looked at. They all revolved around sin.

Though others were crying, I wasn’t connecting to anything. I knew my heart should be feeling something, but I just felt numb. Then, I began to worry that I had so much sin that it had taken over my heart. But then, something began to stir.

Several activities in, we went back to a previous one where we had written down our sins on a sheet which read “Your Account Before God”. I had written them down and moved on to the next task, still feeling nothing. But my new task was to cross each one of the sins out and write “Jesus” in its place. He took the punishment for my sins– they all went to him, to his account.

I felt strange crossing these things out. They were still in my life, but they were crossed out… like they weren’t there. They are not counted against me.

We went through a few more tasks. Still, I felt nothing. I was starting to think the stirring I felt when crossing sins out was a fluke. Or indigestion. I am normally a very emotional person– what’s wrong with me? I thought to myself. I mean, here was the time to be crying for a purpose– to be moved by something real, and yet, I sat emotionless.

I was then told to take the manilla envelope in front of me and pull out the paper inside. I did and began to read it. It was titled “Your Account Before God” just like the other, but the things on here were things I had not done. They were things I could never do. They were actually things Jesus did, only, his name was crossed off and mine was written in his place.

I began to weep. And we’re talking ugly crying here. But I couldn’t help it. He took my place– and my punishment. And somehow, when God looks at me, he sees me as perfect and blameless– like Jesus. It’s something I learned in Sunday School way back when, but when reminded Wednesday night, struck me anew.

I keep looking at that paper– my new account before God. It’s beautiful. And it reminds me that I am loved in a true and crazy way. I am loved with a sacrificial love. And that’s the way I’m supposed to live– with a sacrificial love.

The final thing listed on my new account is something I want so badly. It reads, “Lindsey honored God as her only identity and source of hope and because of that God will be to her a strong refuge and safe place in all trials and tribulations.”

Please, Father God, make it so. Make this true in my life. May I no longer look to creation for my identity, but to my Creator. Please be my only source of hope. And please hold me tightly in your hands as my refuge. Be my strength. The trial and tribulations will come– may my eyes never leave you, may my heart never wander. I love you, Lord. In Jesus’ name, amen.