Loud, ugly, and stupid

Last night, I posted from our date night. I entitled the post “Sweet sweet evening”. And it was, for most of the evening. Then, we got home.

I’m pretty sure the neighbors heard us yelling. It was loud. It was ugly. It was stupid.

We were tired, and an argument broke out. But in the midst of trying to be heard, our motivations both changed, mutating into something neither of us desire for our relationship. So, we yelled. We were mean. We wanted to be right. We forgot our love, our vows, and our God, and both selfishly went down a road that leads to nothing.

There were apologies before bed. There were more this morning. And then, on the way to church, I asked, “Do I need to edit last night’s post?” We both groaned.

Our family reads the blog. Coworkers read it. Our friends read it. Strangers read it. We set out to be honest here– delivering an honest daily account of year one. But no one wants to read that a date night ended in an epic fight. I hate to write it. But that’s what happened.

I wish the clear headed version of myself from today could step into last night and slap the angry, selfish person I was then. I vowed to Brian that I would put his needs ahead of my own. I vowed to love him selflessly. But I didn’t remember any of that last night. All I knew was that I was hurt and I wanted my hurt to be known.

The biggest enemy to my marriage is in me– my own selfishness and pride. If I seek my own desires and put myself first, I will destroy this marriage.

I told my beloved this morning, as I held him in my arms, that I never wanted to yell at him again. I told him that I love him and I’m sorry for everything.

He forgave. I forgave.

We had a great day today. We even told our friends about the fight at church. We told another group at lunch. We both admitted fault and would squeeze the other’s hand as we spoke.

We promised to be honest, so here it is: Marriage is difficult. Sometimes, even on date night.

Not afraid

I mentioned last week that there are some changes going on at work. Tomorrow morning, we have another meeting.

Tonight, I’m fretting about it. I have no idea what’s going to happen, but that doesn’t stop me from speculating and reacting to my speculations. So, Brian stepped in.

Brian walked through some situations and asked me some hard questions. He made sure I wasn’t letting my pride interfere and that I was thinking about this from several points of view. He also pressed me to figure out where all of my feelings were coming from.

Honestly, it was annoying. I wanted to stew and pout. But Brian did the right thing and asked me hard questions, pulling me out of my funk.

I’m still not excited about tomorrow. But my mind is clearer and my heart less heavy. I’m grateful for a husband who is not afraid of the tough stuff.

Cedar isn’t good for my marriage

Seething at cedar, angry at allergies, and pissed at pollen. Ugh!

Yes, yes– I’ve already told you all that we’re suffering from cedar fever. But it’s just that today I really began the suffering part. I had been tolerating the stuff for a week, controlling the situation with my tried and true regiment. But today, the game changed.

I’m a sniffling, sneezing, coughing, red-nosed, nasal-sounding, runny nosed, cranky mess. And I work with children. They handled me well, though my patience wore thin during the morning pledges.

Actually, the patience thing has been true at home for several days– for both of us. We’ve been quick to criticize, low on the grace, and apt towards anger all week. That’s not like us. I didn’t realize it until today.

When I get tired and worn out, I refer to my change in attitude as my “sugar coating wearing off”. My husband never does have a sugar coating. He’s blunt when he’s polite. But there’s his polite-blunt, his matter-of-fact-blunt, and his blunt-blunt. It’s been a blunt-blunt week.

We’ve had tiffs over some of the dumbest stuff, and we aren’t giving each other an inch. And I’m fairly certain the foggy heads, loads of meds, and lack of solid sleep deserve the blame. But cedar season has only just begun. We can’t keep this up– it’s no fun. I want my sweet marriage back!

So, pollen– here’s the deal: my husband and I are on the same team. You will NOT divide us. We are united against you– and we will annihilate you! You may have made some headway by causing a shortage of 24 hour Sudafed within a reasonable radius of my home… but I’m a Texas girl. And everyone knows you don’t mess with Texas!

(Starting to think all the meds are having an affect on my writing ability… hmm. Off to down some Nyquil, stuff some Kleenex plugs in my nose, and try to sleep… )

Bonus for you all

I’m rather peeved right now. I’m peeved because it’s my husband’s night to blog. It’s my husband’s night, he said he would do it, and after three hours of Women’s Development, I come home and he’s asleep. When I tell him to wake up and do the blog, he says he will, and in 30 seconds is snoring louder than he was when I woke him up.

Okay, let’s be honest– I’m actually pissed. I woke up long before him this morning and am now up long after him. I was on my feet all day, had an emotional evening (that I’d really like to talk to him about right now), but no– he decided to go to bed before his responsibilities were taken care of.

This is marriage, folks. I’m pissed at the snoring lump beside me. I want desperately to be asleep (since I have to wake up in six hours), but I’m so livid at my husband that unless I stop and pray and forgive him, I’ll just lay awake for another half hour thinking about how upset I am and potentially plotting against him.

I need God. I need God to help me to be the wife I committed to be even when my husband isn’t living up to who I think he should be or my expectations… or even when I’m tired and cranky and am wondering why in the word we committed to write every single day for this first year. On the upside– you don’t typically get to see this side of me– so there’s the bonus for you all. I am normal and I do get mad.

So, I’m signing off tonight upset, but with the knowledge I can’t stay this way. We posted the fruit of the Spirit in our home for a reason– those are our marriage goals. I’m pretty low on the love, patience, and kindness right now– and I am wrong for that. Brian takes care of me when I am worn out, so tonight, I should see this as my turn. I pray that I can see that.

How epic is this battle?

I love my husband, but he can be frustrating. One major frustration is that he claims he doesn’t hear me. I haven’t had any luck finding one of these in stores, but I’ll keep looking…

old time ear trumpets

But seriously, he’s too young to be losing his hearing. Personally, I think he’s distracted. He’s a perpetual multi-tasker. That’s nice for him, getting multiple things done at once, but nothing is getting his full attention… not even me. I often direct my anger at this member of our family when I can’t get his attention…

iphone-big

…though he insists he’s still listening. Tonight as he played on his iPhone while waiting for the movie to begin, I not-so-subtly asked when date night was. On date night, Brian’s phone is not invited. Don’t think he got the hint.

I keep hearing from other wives that their men develop selective hearing throughout marriage. I am hoping this is not the case, though Brian tends to hear all comments about food and technology and sex. Interesting. 

Sigh.

I guess I’m wondering if this is something we can work out, or if this is a battle we will fight until the end.

i-cant-hear-you_1

Frustrated with the man

He did it again. I was just trying to tell him about my day and he had to butt in and try to fix it! Ugh!!!

I got a tad hostile. “Look,” I said, “I just wanted to tell you about my day.”

“Well, Linz, if you tell me that a friend of ours isn’t doing so well, then we need to talk about what we can do.”

He is so frustrating! Does he think that I am not trying to help our friend?! Does he think I don’t know that?! Arrghhh!

I snapped. He got defensive. Then, I needed to get off the phone. The problem was, we’re apart tonight, so this phone call was “goodnight.”

Silence for a moment. We’re both thinking the same thing– don’t go to bed angry.

The truth is, it’s sweet that Brian wanted to talk through the thing with our friend. He’s a fixer– that’s all he was trying to do. And on my end, I felt like I was being interrrupted and disrespected. I didn’t need to react the way I did. I thought through this. We, then, started over.

We chatted. Things ended well. We said “I love you.” We said goodnight.

I get frustrated with the man. I will probably always get frustrated with the man. But I love the man and the man loves me. I hope we can (more often than not) just take a breath, think things through, and do a little restart… like tonight.

Observant

I told you all about my glasses decision Monday. It’s always a big one. They sit on my face and tend to be noticeable. But my husband was wonderful and helped me decide, and yesterday, I picked up the new pair at lunch.

I didn’t give my students a heads up. I just picked the kiddos up from lunch and took them to recess wearing the new pair. A couple of students noticed and were complimentary. It was sweet.

But the strangest thing is that the majority of students have said, “You got glasses.” To which I respond, “I’ve always had glasses.” At that point they look at me like I’m lying to them.

I don’t get it. They’ve seen me in glasses every day since the beginning of the school year. Why do they think I’ve just started wearing them?

I think we just get used to things, routines, and people. It didn’t necessarily register that Mrs. Lundin wears glasses every day but something did register when a change occurred. It makes me wonder– what things in our marriage have I gotten so used to that details aren’t registering?

I want to be observant. I want to fight for my marriage. I want Brian to know that I pay attention to him and his stories. I want to be engaged. It’s a good check for me. I don’t want him to have to show up with a nose piercing in order for me to notice that he used to have an unpierced nose– you know?

Little glimpses

I was scrolling through the photos on my iPhone today and I kept finding these really random ones. I had to think for a while to figure out why I had these bizarre shots. Then I realized that most of them were pictures of things in my life that I took to text to Brian.

Regular readers are very aware (and most likely bored of hearing) that life has been crazy for the two of us lately. In order to stay connected with my husband, I’ve been texting him photos of parts of my day. Here are some examples:

This is the back of my journal that I made with my students in class. We all decorated journals and we write in them all the time– one of my favorite new things! And Brian made the late night run for more clear packing tape to cover them with. I thought he needed to see it 🙂

I worked on this story map for a few hours. I used one last year, but it was ugly and copied poorly. This one is beautiful and copies well– and I created it all in Word! I was proud of my little teacher self, so I had to show Brian.

I sent this one yesterday at the retreat. There was a photo directory in our binders, and my handsome husband was in there with me!

Brian helped with with some technology issues today over FaceTime, but we were unsuccessful. I had to write up a tech help request and got a little silly with it. Thought Brian would appreciate seeing this before I pushed “Submit.”

They’re goofy. They’re not all that interesting. But these are glimpses into my life. And I want my husband in my life– in all the parts. So, these little pictures keep him up to date until I can come home and ramble on and on, and then answer his million questions.

 

Hump day

We went to Chuy’s tonight for Hatch Green Chile Fest– special menu and crazy decorations. It was wonderful.

We sipped our spicy martinis and talked about work. We both had lots of stories. We talked and talked. We ate and ate. Then, we rolled out of there and journeyed home.

I got to work and knocked out some lesson to-do’s pretty quickly. Brian is napping beside me. He needed some shut eye before hitting his evening workload. We’re about to pass each other again– me going to sleep and him waking up to get to work. Sigh.

When we got home, we both talked about how great dinner together out was. It wasn’t date night or anything– just a chance for us to connect and check in. But it was special. So special.

Brian asked very pointed questions about my job and my school life. He is genuinely interested in me and my life. And tonight, he made me feel quite special. And then it got really great when we both geeked out over the podcast we listen to every day from Albert Mohler, and talked about theology and having a Christian worldview. Nerdy, but true.

We connected. We caught up. We smiled and laughed. We filled up on spicy food. Then, we got geeky. Now, I’m going to sleep at 9pm.

Great. Wednesday. Night.

Something outside

Brian and I have been racing around for a couple weeks now.

Tonight was our missional community group, so I couldn’t stay at the school until late (though, I just now finished my lesson and it’s almost midnight– ugh). We had just a few moments to throw together a meal and spend some time together before we went our separate ways (guys and gals met separately tonight), and what did we do with those moments? Well, we got upset with each other.

I kept thinking about it afterwards and it just made me sad. It was all a result of not communicating well with each other. Again. And I feel like I so rarely see my handsome husband these days– so I hate that we squandered some of that time.

Now, we both rebounded quickly and moved on, but I haven’t stopped thinking about it. Brian is on my side– he’s on Team Lundin and so am I. So, why don’t we act like that more? And on a day where I said multiple times that I really need to be intentional where I’m spending my social/free time (since there’s so little of it), why did we waste those moments today?

I know married people do this. I know friends do this. I know that this is normal. But I don’t necessarily want to be normal, here. I would like us to be atypical in this. And the only way I can see that happening is through a lot of prayer. We’re both tired and grouchy, and have brains that are thinking about work when we’re looking at each other. It’s going to take something outside of us to change what’s going on between us.