This is an excerpt from our conversation tonight as Lindsey was leaving for her women’s development group tonight. It’s a great hint at why I love this woman so much.
L: Who are my heroes?
B: I don’t know. (pause) How about Jane Austen?
L: (pauses to think) Hmmm….
B: Professionally? You’ve dedicated a lot of your life to reading and studying her.
L: No, I think I am just a fan.
B: Hmmm. I don’t know then.
L: It’s my Gran. Just my Gran.
B: (smiles) Yeah, that’s right.
I looked at Lindsey and followed up with a serious question, “I don’t understand, why would someone have an opinion they don’t think is right? What sense does that make?”
“Honey, that’s not the point. Sometimes you just speak with such certainty about what you believe. Some people are not comfortable with that. It’s not that they don’t think their opinions are right too, it’s just that you speak in a way that gives the impression that you know you’re right.”
“But I mean it, how could I have an opinion I don’t believe in? If you don’t believe its right, its not really your opinion, is it?”
“I love you, but everyone can’t be so certain.”
That is a part of a conversation last night1, and it is a perfect illustration of how my wife helps me grow. I had a conversation with someone earlier in the day that unnerved me a bit, and she was helping me understand it. It’s small display of one of the many ways that Lindsey supports me.
Having a sounding board who knows me so well is unbelievably helpful. Lindsey is excellent at helping me sort out the truth from the other stuff because she knows me so well. I can take something to her, like this, and she can help me see the truth, and often point me towards things I need to fix. She prays with me and holds me accountable. She really is a wonderful partner who helps me grow, and I hope I do the same for her as well.
I am learning how to speak to my husband directly. I guess I’m getting past the niceties and hemming and hawing and getting down to actually saying things to my husband. I’m not a very direct or confrontational person. Well, I’m not at all– I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and I let that get the best of me.
This inability to speak directly doesn’t work within a marriage, so I’m working on it. It has taken some very long and drawn out conversations, a lot of self talk, and a bit of prayer, but I am finally able to ask my husband a question. Don’t laugh. I do realize I can be a ridiculous person and I’m working on it. This is a fault that torments me– why can’t I make a simple statement or ask a simple question?
The following conversations are not recorded verbatim, but are pretty darn accurate examples of one month into this marriage versus four and a half months in:
One month in:
Lindsey: Hey, honey. Oh, hey, yeah. You look nice today. Yeah… So, umm, I would really love it, IF you have time, if you would umm… oh nevermind. I got it. I’ll take care of it. You look busy. And really nice– did I say that? Yeah, you’re great. Love you!
(Lindsey leaves and takes out the trash)
Same issue four and a half months in:
Lindsey: Hey, B– can you take out the trash, please?
Brian: You got it. I’ll do it when I go downstairs.
Lindsey: Thank you!
Yes– this happened. I didn’t want to be a “nag” and I let that consume me– to the point I wouldn’t even ask for help around the house.
But here’s the deal: I am not alone in this marriage. I need help and sometimes the help I need is not obvious to Brian. If I keep trying to do everything myself, I’m going to start resenting him and that doesn’t lead to anywhere good. And if I can’t even ask him to take out the trash, how will I verbalize when I have an actual need?
I can’t let my obsessive fear of becoming a nagging wife turn me into a silent, resentful one. There is a balance in there somewhere. Direct communication with my husband is a good beginning.
