Loud, ugly, and stupid

Last night, I posted from our date night. I entitled the post “Sweet sweet evening”. And it was, for most of the evening. Then, we got home.

I’m pretty sure the neighbors heard us yelling. It was loud. It was ugly. It was stupid.

We were tired, and an argument broke out. But in the midst of trying to be heard, our motivations both changed, mutating into something neither of us desire for our relationship. So, we yelled. We were mean. We wanted to be right. We forgot our love, our vows, and our God, and both selfishly went down a road that leads to nothing.

There were apologies before bed. There were more this morning. And then, on the way to church, I asked, “Do I need to edit last night’s post?” We both groaned.

Our family reads the blog. Coworkers read it. Our friends read it. Strangers read it. We set out to be honest here– delivering an honest daily account of year one. But no one wants to read that a date night ended in an epic fight. I hate to write it. But that’s what happened.

I wish the clear headed version of myself from today could step into last night and slap the angry, selfish person I was then. I vowed to Brian that I would put his needs ahead of my own. I vowed to love him selflessly. But I didn’t remember any of that last night. All I knew was that I was hurt and I wanted my hurt to be known.

The biggest enemy to my marriage is in me– my own selfishness and pride. If I seek my own desires and put myself first, I will destroy this marriage.

I told my beloved this morning, as I held him in my arms, that I never wanted to yell at him again. I told him that I love him and I’m sorry for everything.

He forgave. I forgave.

We had a great day today. We even told our friends about the fight at church. We told another group at lunch. We both admitted fault and would squeeze the other’s hand as we spoke.

We promised to be honest, so here it is: Marriage is difficult. Sometimes, even on date night.

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Sweet sweet evening

It’s date night. We’ve been to Houndstooth for coffee and to Uchiko for for best freaking food anywhere, and I’m blogging from a booth at Flying Saucer where we’re finishing off some pints. I figured I should blog now before things get blurry 😉

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Brian at Flying Saucer

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Me at Houndstooth

After a long couple of weeks, this is a sweet, sweet evening with my husband. Gotta go– he’s back from the restroom 😉

Back in Austin

This weekend we took a quick trip up to Tulsa for a wedding. It was a really fun time because some of our church friends from Austin went as well, and we got to see my parents. We had a good time.

As Lindsey wrote about Friday, we had a pretty good argument in the car on the way up. Actually, good describes it in two ways. It was a pretty big fight (as ours go), and it led to a really good conversation. In the end I was actually glad it happened, it was helpful.

But the car ride today was the opposite. It was a nice drive back. There was no traffic, we split time driving, and Lindsey was even able to grab some much needed shut eye.

So here we are, back in Austin and ready for the week. Lindsey has Monday off, but I don’t. We have a long list of things we want to get to, and a few things we have to. Oh, and we need a date night. That’s pretty high up on the list.

End to la la

Tonight was date night– the first one in a long time. And it had an unintentional theme… British Empire 🙂

We had amazing Indian food at The Clay Pit. I love eating there because they serve everything family style and I don’t have to sneak tastes off of Brian’s plate. We then hobbled over to a pub I frequented post college for some beer.

We settled into a comfy booth and began sipping our beverages. It was then that the yawns began. They were vicious and contagious. It wasn’t long before we resigned to making it a one beer night.

At that point that I got a huge surprise– two of my very favorite people from college walked in. (This part of the evening was not British, though quite welcome!) We spent a few moments catching up on the past few years, but then these two tired old married people needed to head home.

On the ride home, we both sang along to one of Brian’s favorite Beatles albums. We then marveled at the mist and fog looming over and ahead of us. Then we were home. Nothing British about home– sad.

It was a sweet night together, and definitely much needed. As I’ve put off thinking about school and work and real life until tomorrow, it was a great end to holiday la la land.

Time to connect

If you spend any time in the circles we travel in these days enough you will undoubtably hear about “date night”. You’ll hear about how you need “time to reconnect”, or the value of “quality time”. There was even a book written on just this topic recently. This whole idea carries a lot of weight with people we respect. So we have made a point of having a date night each week. There is one problem though, I’m not a believer in it.

Well, I should correct myself. I wasn’t a believer in it. I’ve come around recently.

It’s not that I thought it was a bad idea or anything, of course spending time with your spouse is a great thing and the foundation of a good marriage, but I just didn’t see the need for such specific requirements. I mean, I see her all the time. Is it really that important to clear the schedule, put away the screens, and rule out talking about the day to day grind?

Well, yes, it is.

Now that the daily grind is much fuller and, well, grindy, we need the time. A few nights in the last few weeks we have been able to sit down to a good dinner, talk, laugh and just catch up. It’s been sanity saving honestly. With everything going on in our lives I have come to realize that I need this time.

Yep, that’s what I said. I need this time with my wife.

I know Lindsey will get a kick out of this post, but it’s honestly true. Before the last week or so I made sure we had date night because I knew she needed it. Now I know that I need it too.

Crazy-blessed

We clebrated six months last week, so Saturday night, Brian took me to Uchiko.

Uchiko is one of our favorite places. It has amazing sushi and a wonderful atmosphere. It is also the place he took me on the night he proposed to me. I referred to it as returning to the scene of the crime.

We were adorable. We smiled and laughed and held hands. We talked about that night so long ago– how I knew what he was up to, how he had to wear a jacket in order to hide the ring box, the thoughts that were running through our heads. Then we talked about the last six months and how much our lives have changed. We kept telling the other that we loved them. Brian kept telling me how beautiful I am.

On Sunday, I could feel the effects of our date. We needed a night like that– a night to reconnect and remember. Even though we only left the house for church yesterday, we were so in love as I did housework and he studied. We were swoony and smitten and probably gross in the eyes of cynics– good thing none of those live in our house.

I love my husband. I have loved the past six months. I can’t wait for the years and years ahead. We are some crazy-blessed people.

New rule for date night

We learned a valuable lesson last night: there have to be rules for date night.

Now, date night does already have a few rules. One of those is that it is a night set aside for the two of us. Another is that it is something planned and prepared for. But we never made any rules around the conversation. Oops.

Dinner is wonderful. Brian takes me to Chez Zee, where we gluttonously devour a cheese tray and our entrees and a sampler dessert. We are hurting a little. But I have this rule about date night not being just dinner. It needs to include a stroll, an activity, a drink at another venue– something in addition to the meal. So, we roll ourselves out of the restaurant and head to Black Star Co-op.

Love this place. Great beer and super tasty food. We sit down with our beers and begin to chat. Well, sort of. Last night my mind was occupied by something I’ve been struggling with all summer. It’s something Brian and I have talked about a lot, but haven’t resolved or put to rest. And as we sat there staring at each other, it was consuming my thoughts, in much the same way that we consumed all that cheese at dinner.

Brian sees that I’m in deep thought. He asks about it. I don’t budge. He pushes. I resist. He has no idea that I’m struggling internally. He pushes again, and then… word vomit. In the middle of Black Star, with our lovely beers before us, I blurt out everything I’m agonizing over. We chat. It gets really tough. We both think the other isn’t hearing us. It gets tense. The beer is no longer tasty. Date night is over.

Thus, the new rule for date night: since this night is for enjoying one another and investing in our marriage, save the tough conversations for another night.