One year ago…

IMG_0136One year ago tonight Lindsey and I went to see Radiohead at the Frank Erwin Center. It was a great show for me, and a band I had wanted to see since I was 16.

It was just a few days before our wedding, and we had much more important things to be doing, yet my soon-to-be-wife loved me enough to go to a show that she had, literally, less than zero interest in attending. It was a good sign.

To see just how much she loved, check out a video from that night below:

Loud, ugly, and stupid

Last night, I posted from our date night. I entitled the post “Sweet sweet evening”. And it was, for most of the evening. Then, we got home.

I’m pretty sure the neighbors heard us yelling. It was loud. It was ugly. It was stupid.

We were tired, and an argument broke out. But in the midst of trying to be heard, our motivations both changed, mutating into something neither of us desire for our relationship. So, we yelled. We were mean. We wanted to be right. We forgot our love, our vows, and our God, and both selfishly went down a road that leads to nothing.

There were apologies before bed. There were more this morning. And then, on the way to church, I asked, “Do I need to edit last night’s post?” We both groaned.

Our family reads the blog. Coworkers read it. Our friends read it. Strangers read it. We set out to be honest here– delivering an honest daily account of year one. But no one wants to read that a date night ended in an epic fight. I hate to write it. But that’s what happened.

I wish the clear headed version of myself from today could step into last night and slap the angry, selfish person I was then. I vowed to Brian that I would put his needs ahead of my own. I vowed to love him selflessly. But I didn’t remember any of that last night. All I knew was that I was hurt and I wanted my hurt to be known.

The biggest enemy to my marriage is in me– my own selfishness and pride. If I seek my own desires and put myself first, I will destroy this marriage.

I told my beloved this morning, as I held him in my arms, that I never wanted to yell at him again. I told him that I love him and I’m sorry for everything.

He forgave. I forgave.

We had a great day today. We even told our friends about the fight at church. We told another group at lunch. We both admitted fault and would squeeze the other’s hand as we spoke.

We promised to be honest, so here it is: Marriage is difficult. Sometimes, even on date night.

Sweet sweet evening

It’s date night. We’ve been to Houndstooth for coffee and to Uchiko for for best freaking food anywhere, and I’m blogging from a booth at Flying Saucer where we’re finishing off some pints. I figured I should blog now before things get blurry 😉

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Brian at Flying Saucer

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Me at Houndstooth

After a long couple of weeks, this is a sweet, sweet evening with my husband. Gotta go– he’s back from the restroom 😉

He brags

After class tonight at church, Brian and I were talking to a friend of ours from the Austin Stone Story Team.

When we finished with our Story Team business, Brian got really excited and wanted to share some news. But the news he shared wasn’t his news, it was mine. Brian was bragging about me.

Just when I thought he was done, he started up again, “Oh hey, did Lindsey tell you about…?” He just kept on bragging!

I don’t know why that’s so strange to me– I’m get really proud of him, too. My husband is proud of me. So proud he can’t keep his mouth shut 😉 It makes me feel so loved– he knows me, he knows my life, he pays attention. My joys are his joys. My successes are his.

I love this part of marriage, this part of being one.

Not afraid

I mentioned last week that there are some changes going on at work. Tomorrow morning, we have another meeting.

Tonight, I’m fretting about it. I have no idea what’s going to happen, but that doesn’t stop me from speculating and reacting to my speculations. So, Brian stepped in.

Brian walked through some situations and asked me some hard questions. He made sure I wasn’t letting my pride interfere and that I was thinking about this from several points of view. He also pressed me to figure out where all of my feelings were coming from.

Honestly, it was annoying. I wanted to stew and pout. But Brian did the right thing and asked me hard questions, pulling me out of my funk.

I’m still not excited about tomorrow. But my mind is clearer and my heart less heavy. I’m grateful for a husband who is not afraid of the tough stuff.

Invasion

I’ve mentioned my Missional Community through the Women’s Development Program before. They are dedicated, intelligent, beautiful, loving, and crazy. And they have invaded my life in the best way possible.

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We group text a lot. We’ve had some group texts that I’ve had to edit on my phone because other eyes should never see them. We share our trial and triumphs, our needs and nuttiness.

Yesterday, we had another epic group text fest. I was home taking my temperature every half hour, so I got to participate at a level that I am not able to while teaching. What I loved most about it was that we went from the girls praying about my health, to dessert recipes, to hair stylists, to Super Bowl parties. It was wonderful and random and perfect– a lot like our group 🙂

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These pictures are from our Winter Retreat in December. The second one speaks for itself.

These women invaded my life, but most importantly, they invaded my heart.

Tech talk means she loves me

Lindsey asked me today about a project I have a work. I started to explain it, and she was following. I was surprised and encouraged, so I kept going.

You see my wife is a smart woman, in fact she is a very smart woman. But she doesn’t love or really care to understand technology beyond the fact that it’s my job. But tonight she hung with me and asked questions.

The conversation ended with a diagram sketched out on an iPad and a live software demo. I am very excited about this stuff, she loves me and I guess that’s enough to keep her interested.

Honestly, I’m blessed to have a girl like this by my side. She cares about me, and acts like it. I hope she feels the same way about how I treat her.

Procrastination, and its effects

I just finished a book critique for my Men’s Development Program at church. It is due tomorrow, along with another I have yet to complete.

I am a procrastinator. Always have been, and without supernatural intervention, will probably always be. It does not really bother me.

Or, perhaps I should say it didn’t really bother me.

I am learning in many, and some painful, ways that being married means that the consequences of my decisions truly do not affect only me. I know, this is a lesson I should have learned years ago. But I didn’t.

In this case my procrastination has hurt Lindsey by way of omission. Because I have to dedicate most of last night, all of tonight, and a good bit of time tomorrow to finishing up this assignment I have less time for her. That is a bad thing generally, but with her prospects for this week it is a particularly bad time for it.

So, for me this evening is further conviction that I am failing her as a husband in this particular way. My procrastination is selfishness, and it needs to go.

A night off

Tonight we had a rare night off. Neither of us had any work to do, there were no chores or tasks to take care. It was wonderful. I built a fire, we heated up some leftovers (okay, so it wasn’t perfect :P), and we settled in for some time together. After a few good hours alone Lindsey went off to bed and I’m here writing this post. As Lindsey wrote about a few days ago, she’s not the best at simply relaxing. I have the opposite problem, I like to rest a little too much. Because of these tendencies and scheduling factors we don’t get many nights like tonight. Evenings like this are precious to me, and I know Lindsey feels the same way.

Sitting down to write a post every day, or every couple of days individually, is not always the easiest. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have anything meaningful to say. When I sat down tonight to write that is exactly how I felt. But then I really began to think about the quiet, restful night we had. That’s when I realized how precious it actually was.

When I think back to before we were married I now know I had no idea what I was really signing up for. The good and the bad have been more than I expected. I want to write a longer post on this topic before the year is up, but my main point is this: I had no idea what a real marriage would be like. We went through extensive pre-marital counseling, in fact it was the most thorough program I’ve heard of. With all that we learned we were well prepared, but no preparation could have been enough for the reality. To understand it, we had to live it.

There was no way someone could have explained to me how happy a night of nothing would make me. As a bachelor a night like this would have been spent with a book, or more regularly a video game or TV show. I would have been happy and I would have been able to do anything, but nothing would have been as good as night alone with Lindsey. And there was no way for me to know it at the time.

Our 10 months of marriage has been full of moments of reflection and realization like this. They have made me a better husband as I internalize them and learn to appreciate what I learn. I pray that God continues to give me nights and small lessons like this for a lifetime.

Bonus for you all

I’m rather peeved right now. I’m peeved because it’s my husband’s night to blog. It’s my husband’s night, he said he would do it, and after three hours of Women’s Development, I come home and he’s asleep. When I tell him to wake up and do the blog, he says he will, and in 30 seconds is snoring louder than he was when I woke him up.

Okay, let’s be honest– I’m actually pissed. I woke up long before him this morning and am now up long after him. I was on my feet all day, had an emotional evening (that I’d really like to talk to him about right now), but no– he decided to go to bed before his responsibilities were taken care of.

This is marriage, folks. I’m pissed at the snoring lump beside me. I want desperately to be asleep (since I have to wake up in six hours), but I’m so livid at my husband that unless I stop and pray and forgive him, I’ll just lay awake for another half hour thinking about how upset I am and potentially plotting against him.

I need God. I need God to help me to be the wife I committed to be even when my husband isn’t living up to who I think he should be or my expectations… or even when I’m tired and cranky and am wondering why in the word we committed to write every single day for this first year. On the upside– you don’t typically get to see this side of me– so there’s the bonus for you all. I am normal and I do get mad.

So, I’m signing off tonight upset, but with the knowledge I can’t stay this way. We posted the fruit of the Spirit in our home for a reason– those are our marriage goals. I’m pretty low on the love, patience, and kindness right now– and I am wrong for that. Brian takes care of me when I am worn out, so tonight, I should see this as my turn. I pray that I can see that.