Today Lindsey and I had another study date (we’re really enjoying them, by the way). I made good progress but then got derailed by a song that popped up on my iPhone. When these lyrics came through my headphones, I just kinda stopped in my tracks:
I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life, I know you’ll be a star in somebody else’s sky, But why, why, why can’t it be, can’t it be mine?
Black, Pearl Jam You see, Pearl Jam was an important band for me back in the day. They inspired my first purchase of Doc Martens, were my initial foray into 90’s grunge, and they brought the wrath of my mother after she read the lyrics inside the Vs. album cover. Since grunge died I have gone back to the well time and time again. I really dig the band, even if I wish Eddie Vedder would just stop talking about politics.
The reason these lyrics were so affecting today was because of the history I have with them. I heard these lyrics and stopped studying to really think about them. I remembered back to points in time when I had listened to these same words, and thoughts those same thoughts about the girl of the moment. I remembered back to times of struggle and wishful thinking. At the time, the object(s) of those desires seemed like the answer to me. In a few cases they seemed like the ONLY answer to me.
Having married the perfect woman for me, I know now how wrong I was. So, I stopped the music and interrupted Lindsey’s studying. I recited the lyrics to her. I told her about the times when I’d felt them so deeply. I told her about how deep and true I thought they were. Then I told her I how stupid I was back then.
I told her how much I regret thinking that those previous situations were the right ones, how much I wish I had known what was coming. I told her that in hindsight all of that angst looks, well, silly.
She smiled lovingly and told me she understood. She reminded me that we all have those stories. She told me that she remembers the same things, and that all of those experiences brought us to where we are, to each other.
Today an old song, one that meant so much to me, took on a new meaning. Now whenever I hear it I won’t be thinking of the long lost crushes or the ones that got away. Instead I will think about the one that I have, the one that I love. I’ll think about my star, and how bright she shines.
As Garth Brooks once sang1, “sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers.”
- I’m on a 90’s kick. So sue me. 😛 ↑